Saturday, June 10, 2006
Aurelius Attempts Self-Motivation
This post is entirely for my own selfish benefit. I just need to light a bit of a fire under my
ass, and a vulgar proclamation of my indomidible determination for all the world to see
might be the e-ticket. Readers who are unconcerned with my personal motivations, please
feel free to skip this one.
I've always wondered about the tendency in myself to look towards a 'defining moment.'
It's probably just some bullshit side-effect of the entertainment/climax based society I was
subjected to as a developing critter. Protagonist gets introduced, his character is given
enough flesh that we identify with him, he has a 'defining moment' - brother dies in war,
loved and lost, kills a lion with his bare hands, has a wacky drug experience, whatever the
fuck - then he is changed forever; galvanived as a new man with a new mission.
So as a dumb as fuck twenty-something, I was always looking for that moment. Lets put
ourselves in somewhat dangerous situations, lets make some rather irrational decisions,
and see what sort of powerful effects life can stamp upon us. I let myself be a seduced by
dangerous philosophies. I woke up next to some crazy women. I smoked a lot of pot and
watched stunningly violent japanese anime.
Yet that one defining moment that should change a man's life forever never seemed to
occur. I may have dumped a perfectly good companion, shaved my head, and moved three
states on a whim, but the transition from wanderer to driven writer just didn't seem to
take place. That mystical archetype of the 'artist' - that fuck who forgets to eat because he
just has to create! I think that archetype might be a load of shit. Like the writers who talk
about all the drug use and alcohol abuse they use to aid their writing - they are just lying
motherfuckers, they tell that to the younger generation to lead them astray, to keep the
competition down.
Then the other night I was finishing off a six pack and watching the UFC reality show on
Spike. That show could use some better editing, but all in all it's quality. I've been
obsessed with martial arts ever since I was a little kid, and played judo at a pretty good level
of competition until I got way too anti-social in high school, so the rise of jujitsu as a
'must have' skill in the UFC just seems like a validation of my understanding of what
happens when two men fight.
Anyfuckingways, I'm watching that program and the two fighters a damn evenly matched.
They are into the second round, there's blood on the mat, each guy's taken a fucking
beating. They've landed some solid stand up hands and feet. They've used up a shitload of
energy on the ground. One guy might have a cracked rib.
The shout from the sidelines that I keep hearing on this show is, 'Come on, want it! You
have to fucking want it.' That's what my wrestling coach always used to tell us: The guy
who wants it more is the guy who is going to fucking win.
Yeah, you're tired. Yeah, you fucking hurt. If you don't just push through and fucking
take what you want, your going to lose.
I think that shit is finally starting to sink into my thick skull.
I'm gonna write my fucking novel. I don't really give a shit about too much else. Those
guys want to be Ultimate Fighters, and no matter how much pain and damage to their
bodies they endure, that's the goal and they fucking want it. I want to have a finished
book. I want to have something more than just a fuckload of Ideas in my head, when
someone asks me about my writing I'm gonna have something to fucking show them, not
talk about showing them.
Blogging has made me hard. I don't care if somebody tells me my writing sucks, that I
havn't got a scrap of talent, that my dramatic action makes their dick soft. The world's full
of critics, and I'm no longer the sensitive new-age guy who shys away from the potential
for criticism.
I'm gonna write the first of a whole load of fucking novels. I'm gonna write a book about
my post-apocalypic world, where a young woman learns the hard way about how societies
most often run on violence and fear. Where the art of making an example of someone is
discussed by murderous motherfuckers who might think they are vampires, and maybe
they are. Some people are going to say that it's pulp fiction, and that I use the word fuck
way too much. All sorts of people are going to hate what I write, maybe it'll get banned.
That's what I'm gonna do world. I don't need to be transformed by the Muse and changed
forever by some great moment. I just need to want it bad enough, and fuck-me-running, I
do.
Comments:
<< Home
do...just fucking do it..and as for the fuck word...i love the fuck word...it makes me feel many different emotions...fuck is the new black...
i have never had my defining moment..or figured out what i want to be when i grow up...so do it for all of us slackers...
Post a Comment
i have never had my defining moment..or figured out what i want to be when i grow up...so do it for all of us slackers...
<< Home
