Atheist Meditations

Today be day fifteen of Damnable Sobriety.

This morning I've got some perspective on the experience. Enough to affirm that it is probably a good thing for me to go through, but I still have intense, visceral reactions daily where I declare that it has been, 'the stupidest fucking thing I've ever done.'

While it is easy to buy into the media product that one's brain has an imbalance of chemicals and thus unpleasant mental stimuli needs to be modified via barely understood drugs; try grappling with the notion that unpleasant mental stimuli be the result of your own normal cognitive function and the dysfunction of most other human beings in society.

Alcohol has always assisted me in skating over the thin ice of that existential abyss.

Modern existence ain't easy for anybody. An acute sense of powerlessness as we realize that our survival depends much more on the decisions of others over our own prowess, combined with a severe divorce from the natural world. All of us are vulnerable to social and violent acts which are powerful enough to impose changes upon our behavior that we may not be able to grapple with consciously. Escape from this reality, however fleeting, has been an essential part of our successful existence for thousands of years.

The breaks can be as brief as a genuine laugh or 'the little death' of orgasm. They can be as permanent as the functional retardation of evangelicalism.

Chronologically, Alcohol lies much closer to the former than the latter. I'm still fond of informing folks that 'Beer is much older than god.' Members of our species were pushing back frothy libations long before they worshiped anything more ridiculous than the Sun.

According to Cin I've been going through 'mild to moderate' withdrawal symptoms.

I've never had a headache that wasn't caused by the Irish Flu. Last week I not only lost to my brother at racquetball, I got a migraine that lasted for two days and hurt like a bitch. Not the dull, vaguely pleasant, ache of the hangover, more in the frontal lobes - definitely affecting my personality. Even fucking worse, it seems that caffeine can trigger 'em, so it's like I'm losing my whole damn harem not just one pleasant distraction.

Boredom has become my most common conscious state. There ain't a damn thing on television (even deep cable) that doesn't suck. I guess I never used to watch T.V. without a brace of beers to lubricate myself into disseminated stupidity. I'm also pretty sure that programming has gotten much worse in the last seven years. The other night the 'History' channel had a much hyped special on the lost book of Nostradamus, despite the fact that all evidence seemed to point to the fact that he didn't paint the ambiguous images that supposedly drew parallels to 9/11.

I'm almost ashamed at the number of distractions that I formerly indulged in which I cannot tolerate without suppressing higher brain functions with sweet Mistress Boozilla.

I've also gone from sleeping about six hours a night to nine plus. I think part of it is just the piercing boredom - might as well be unconscious. That's been a trip, however. Unusual dreams are also supposedly an effect of alcohol withdrawal. Last week I had a series of dreams based on the Disney sort of programming where various internal organs are played by character actors to educationally entertaining effect. My liver was played by Robin Williams. I'm not a fan of Mr. Williams, and in my dream I had to resist the urge to smash him repeatedly in the face with a series of beer bottles. Not sure what that dream was all about. . .

So to summarize, withdrawal is not fun. I'm 21.5% of the way through my self-imposed role as an abstainer. Committed as I am to fiddling while Rome burns, longevity has its place too.

Stay groovy,